Today is the one year anniversary of my son’s death. One year ago, I received a phone call from my son’s therapist at the transitional independent living program that he had just moved into two weeks earlier, telling me that my son was dead. My beautiful, brilliant, sweet 18 year old boy was dead. He was discovered on the floor of his bedroom. It would take months for the toxicology report to come back, showing that he had overdosed on his anti-depressant medications.

This is not the first time I have experienced a death anniversary. I have been living through the anniversary of my husband’s death for 14 years now. In 6 days, I will face that day for the 15th time. One might think that I would know what to expect from today. How will I feel? What is the best way to get through this day? Should I “turtle” and shut out the world, or should I surround myself with people to hold me up? Do I pause to remember, or keep busy to try to forget? Over the years, I have tried it all on the anniversary of my husband’s death, but the problem is that grief is a crafty enemy. It sneaks up on you when you are not expecting it, and hides when you are prepared for it. You can’t predict how the day will hit you, and therefore, it is impossible to know how best to face it.

There are a few things that I do know. I know I will receive calls and texts from those who realize what today is and want to let me know that they are thinking about me. I know I will not receive a call or text from someone that I would have expected to hear from, and I will wonder why not and I will feel hurt. I will wonder at why the day even matters. My son was dead yesterday, and will still be dead tomorrow. Why should I feel any differently today? The celebration of some anniversaries makes sense. A birthday, marking that you have been on this earth one more year. A wedding anniversary, celebrating that you have managed to stay connected to your spouse for another year. But a death anniversary, reminding you that you have spent yet another year without someone precious to you? One more year that you have had to slog through life with a part of your heart and soul missing. The day should not matter at all. I am not sure there is anything to be gained by marking a death anniversary. And yet it is such a part of our culture to mark anniversaries, that we can’t help but note the day. So I will spend today thinking about my beautiful boy, reliving the horror of this day last year, and wondering why.